The disease of alcoholism or other drug dependency (AOD) affects each family member. As the dependency progresses, stress is present for all family members even if they do not know that the dependency is the problem. Family members will adjust in order to keep the system in a state of balance.
Four characteristics of a dysfunctional AOD family are:
- Consistency. Inconsistency and unpredictability is prevalent. Often there are unreasonable rules which are not consistently enforced. This is a result of the change of moods associated with using alcohol and other drugs, and results in ineffective communication.
- Communication. The type of communication in AOD families includes double messages. An example is, “I love you; please go away.” or “Be honest; don’t tell me that.” The verbal intentions delivered are not consistent with the behavior. The family hears the intentions, but sees the behaviors. Open communication is lacking. Family members also use denial and blame to defend themselves and to manipulate others.
- Validation. Feelings are not recognized because it is feared that to feel might upset the balance, or that the person is having feelings only to manipulate other family members. They are not validated as individuals. Rather, their worth is tied to family functioning; how they make others feel and how they make the family look. Children are not validated for being children. They are often blamed for the AOD dependency and are directly or indirectly give responsibility for problems they did not cause and solutions they cannot execute.
- Connectedness. A sense of belonging based on personal worth is missing. Each member is isolated because of the lack of intimacy and meaningful family rituals. Rigid adherence to empty traditions or to “perfectionism” such as “what would the neighbors think?” cause family members to feel alone, afraid and meaningless even when in the presence of the family.
Children in these families have needs which go unmet. They have been taught the three major rules of:
- Don’t talk
- Don’t trust
- Don’t feel
Out of necessity, they adopt a survival role.
Children of alcoholics reach for that which would satisfy in an immediate way. Objects become those which offer nurturing, relationships and hope. Thus, compulsions, addictions, and associated behaviors are born. Compulsions may meet immediate needs, however, they trap and inhibit growth and habitual behaviors restrict freedom of choice.