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Location: Home > KeySolutions EAP > E-Zine Archive > Don't Take It Personal Don't Take It PersonalThe contemporary workplace is filled with traps, and none is more dangerous than those we set for ourselves. There is a high price paid by people who take what happens in the workplace personally, particularly when the company does not accept their personal reaction. When employees fall into a "Taking It Personally" trap, they often find themselves digging deeper into a hole. The new workplace has changed and will probably continue to change. What you need to keep in mind is that if you take it personally, you will only end up getting yourself into the trap. Remember - it's a business. You may have excelled in the old workplace, but now your focus needs to be succeeding in the new workplace of today. Things have changed and will continue to change. You need to learn to free yourself of the traps that you have fallen into by taking workplace events personally. It is natural for us to react to a situation the way we perceive it, but sometimes the way we see it may not be exactly the way it is. Yet, our thoughts trigger our feelings, and our feelings often trigger our behavior. This is bound to lead us to do some things that we may later regret. A simple example might be helpful. Imagine working as a police officer and seeing a big, ferocious looking dog running toward you. What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What will you do? We imagine you would tell yourself that you were in danger. Once you perceived this danger you would have powerful feelings of fear, anger, dread, and doom. You would act. You would scream, run, or pull out your gun and shoot at the dog. Now, imagine your surprise when you notice that the same dog is on a leash with a big, kind-looking owner firmly holding it. We bet you would have an entirely different reaction because you would tell yourself there was no danger. You would feel relieved and could return to being calm. Imagine what your thoughts and feelings would be if you realized that, in your panic, you had shot the poor dog. The same pattern occurs on your job, especially when you feel that what is happening is a personal threat. Sometimes it may be personal, but often it is not. The trap comes when you can see a scenario only one way, and it is from the personal point of view. This leads to increasing stress, negative emotions, and/or regrettable action or inaction. We have observed that this trap is typically associated with specific work situations: problems with managers, times of organizational change, problems with co-workers, and problems associated with being a manager. Many successful people do not personalize at all. Even those who consider a danger as personal do not let this paralyze them. They check it out, using a variety of different methods. Many successful workers achieved their success while working in an environment that they knew well and in which they felt secure. Then came downsizing, merger, or acquisition, and the organization they had known ceased to exist. They went into crisis, survival, or attack mode. They felt betrayed and interpreted a business decision as a personal attack. This is the kind of reaction that can trap you into a counter- productive spiral of emotional behaviors. Here's how. Personal Trap - "They're trying to get rid of me."Maria was a human resources specialist in a company undergoing a large-scale downsizing. From the beginning of the downsizing process her workload increased. She wanted to do a good job and often put in fourteen-hour days in order to get the work done. Even then, it seemed as if she never got caught up. Maria had prided herself on always being able to handle the job. She was now devastated that she could not keep up. She began to work even harder and longer. The harder and longer she worked, the more frustrated, resentful, and fearful she became. She used to feel valued and supported, but now she felt betrayed and abandoned by her manager. She began to think her manager was setting her up in order to get rid of her. Strategic Solution - Broaden your view.Maria's situations and her reactions are typical in companies that are rapidly changing. The companies change the rules as they go along, and employees often try to second-guess them. This results in a workplace that is short on praise and long on criticism and changing demands. It also results in employees who are anxious, fearful, and questioning of their self-worth. Like Maria, most of us often have difficulty separating who we are as people from what happens at work. Our self-worth is determined by what happens there. For many of us, the workplace is the primary place where we feel competent, appreciated, and valued. When we stop getting those positive messages from work, or when we get negative or confusing messages, we automatically start thinking it is personal. It usually isn't. Maria began to imagine the worst. This personalized thinking triggered emotional reactions. Her anger, fear, and frustration distracted her from evaluating what was really going on with the company. She interpreted everything that happened as being directed toward her. The challenge for Maria was to broaden her view. That meant searching for all of the evidence - including that which did not support her thoughts of being set up or singled out to be fired. Maria began to do some reality checking. She talked with her co-workers about their experiences and asked for specific examples. Her purpose was to get reliable information and evaluate it objectively. In order to do this, she had to calm herself and make sure she did not come across as a complainer or someone who was feeling panic. She also did not want to fuel the suspicions of her co-workers and set the tone for negative feedback. She knew that such negativity would color her thinking. Her goal was to avoid the personal, emotionally based feedback she did not need and to get only the facts. To be certain that she was not prejudicing her conclusions Maria asked for and received many specific examples. Maria was surprised at what she learned. She learned that the evidence did not support her automatic response that her manager was trying to set her up in order to get rid of her. Talking with co-workers who were experiencing similar treatment from the manager made her realize she had not been singled out. Most of them were also behind in their work. She also learned that the company management was dealing with uncertainty from day to day. This trickled down to them. It was clearly a new way of doing business. Now when her work piled up she was able to see it as part of the new reality. This realization stopped her from thinking she was being set up and allowed her to do the best she could under these new circumstances. When you take your job personally, you will respond in a personal way. While the company is making decisions that are geared toward survival, growth, profit, etc. you will be reeling in pain and disappointment. You and the company will literally be speaking different languages and living by different rules. The company's rules will be oriented toward change while yours will be personally motivated and, unfortunately, often pain producing. The company's emphasis will be on moving forward, yours on moving backward. This is clearly not a formula for success. A method for establishing power and success in today's workplace requires that you let go of your personal traps first. You need to do this before taking the next step toward change. It can't be personal. When coping with difficult situations in the workplace, your first step is to be able to think straight and react with your mind rather than your emotions. The key to avoiding traps is to depersonalize your thinking. It's now your turn to deal with your own situation. To learn more about the self-management techniques which have helped many employees handle their emotional reactions from the "Taking it Personally" traps, contact KeySolutions EAP at 334-5850 {in the Sioux Falls area}, 1-888-450-7844 {toll-free}. By Stephen O'Brien, Certified Employee Assistance Professional {excerpts from Winning at Work, by Mel Sandler & Muriel Gray} |
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